What am I doing wrong?
When a relationship breaks down, is this the first question you ask yourself?
Do you spend hours, sometimes days, weeks, months, wondering how things could have ended up the way they did?
Have you ever thought about what the biggest cause of relationship failure is these days?
It is actually really simple. So simple in fact that it is often undervalued, which essentially results in it becoming a bigger problem than it needs to be…
So what is this regular and destructive problem at the root of almost all relationship break downs?
It is, in its simplest form – unappreciation.
In the words of Oprah “The common denominator that I’ve found in every single interview is that we want to be validated. We want to be understood. I’ve done over 35,000 interviews in my career. And, as soon as that camera shuts off, everyone always turns to me and, inevitably, in their own way, asks this question: ‘Was that okay?’ I heard it from President Bush. I heard it from President Obama. I’ve heard it from heroes and from housewives,” she said.
At the end of the day, no matter who you are or what you do, the desire to feel validated, to feel important, to be appreciated, is something that every human being requires – it is a psychological need!
We’re always seeking approval — from anyone, but particularly those we care about.
And this could apply to any relationship in your life, romantic ones, friendships, family, colleagues – anyone.
So the biggest reason for breakdowns in relationships is a lack of appreciation.
Why is this?
Essentially, the need to feel important, like we are contributing in some way, or that our hard work is appreciated, is vital in all areas of our lives, but particularly in our relationships.
Feeling genuinely appreciated lifts people up. At the most basic level, it makes us feel safe, which allows us to feel free enough to thrive and grow within ourselves and with others.
It’s also energizing!
Because when our value feels at risk (as it so often does) this causes us to worry, and that worry becomes preoccupying, which drains and diverts our energy from creating value.
Yet for some reason we’re often more experienced at expressing negative emotions — reactively and defensively, and often without recognizing their destructive impact on others until much later, if we do at all.
And that is really unfortunate because the impact of negative emotions — and more specifically the feeling of being unappreciated — is incredibly toxic.
So how can you stop this from happening in your relationships?
You must show appreciation.
As simple as it sounds, sometimes it is not actually all that simple to do.
Because it turns out, not everyone likes to be appreciated in the same way.
So if you are trying to show someone important in your life how much they mean to you, in a way in which you would like, they might not necessarily react in the way in which you would expect.
Have you ever brought a gift for someone that you would personally love, and expect them to love it to, only to find they don’t?
Or have you done something nice for someone, something which you only wish they would do for you, only to find they don’t reciprocate in the way in which you had imagined?
It can be deflating and upsetting, right?
A man I knew who used to travel often for work used to spend a lot of money buying jewellery for his wife while he was away to make her feel better about them spending so much time apart. He would come home at night from a long trip, walk in the door and hand her the jewellery expecting her to glow with delight, only to find her face still looking slightly upset. He would then get confused, and frustrated. She was being ungrateful! He had spent a lot of money on those gifts! How could she not be over the moon right now?
Turns out her needs were completely different to his. After his long trips away, the most important thing to her when he first got home, was to feel like he had genuinely missed her. To get a big hug from him and have him tell her all about how happy he was to finally be home.
The jewellery was nice, but it was not what she really needed from him. And this is a prime example of how a relationship can start to breakdown all because of a lack of appreciation.
So in order to avoid feeling let down for your efforts, what you must first do is discover the way in which that person likes to be appreciated.
You must understand THEIR needs first, before you can improve any relationship.
And then it is easy!
Once you know their needs, their style of appreciation and the way in which they like to be communicated with, you can then tailor your efforts with them and watch as things start to improve.
Watch as everything starts to run smoother, the relationship starts to grow, and then all of a sudden you are both feeling happier, more fulfilled, and your relationship is thriving!
So wouldn’t it be great if you could discover the different needs of the important people in your life?
Find out how simple it is to discover why people think and act the way they do, and how they want to be treated by using Dots Precognitive Communication techniques taught in a fun, informative, and interactive training environment.
This simple yet effective training gives you the ability to speak to anyone in the way THEY like to be spoken to.
Imagine what that would do to the quality of all of your relationships?
Want to know how it works?
Basically we train people like yourself in the art of communication.
The way we do this is by understanding people’s patterns and who they are while also focusing on their needs and how to meet them.
We teach you some very simple and effective tools that you can use to understand the people in your life, in order to be able to speak to them in their language (so to speak), and improve your relationships.
What I mean by ‘their language’ is – there are only four communication styles that people can use, and they are each differentiated by a colour (the four coloured DOTS – Purple, Yellow, Red, and Blue). Most of us will have a fraction of each Dot in our communication style, but there will be one style that you are most dominant in. It is the communication style that you are used to, so it comes naturally to you.
For example – I am a Red Dot, so what you can expect from me is, I like to get straight to the point, I am honest, fair, and love a good bargain!
Now most people will go through life expecting everyone else to communicate the same way as they do… but this will only be effective with 1 out of every 4 people they meet.
So when you try to show appreciation to someone in your life, if it so happens that they have a different dominant communication style to you (different Dot), then they might not respond in the way in which you had hoped.
For example, if they are a dominant Purple Dot, they need to hear that they are a great person. The most important thing to Purple Dots is being creative, seeing possibilities and always having new challenges. They are excellent starters but poor finishers. The way in which they need to be appreciated is quite unique to the other four styles.
However, if they are dominant in Yellow Dot, they like it when you do something nice for them. Yellow Dots are organised people who are driven to always be on time and appreciate a clean and tidy environment.
Whereas someone dominant in Red Dot is more concerned with respect. Red Dots are practical people who enjoy living a stable, predictable life and helping people in real ways. They hate to be lied to and will never forgive you if you are dishonest with them.
And Blue Dots are the friendly, productive, highly empathetic type of people who are easily hurt by emotional blackmail. The most important thing to Blue Dots is their relationships and the opportunity to communicate and connect with others.
So as you can see, the needs of each communication style (or Dot) are very different.
This reinforces the fact that everyone likes to be treated differently, and in order to grow any relationship you must first understand what makes them tick.
So the secret to rescuing any relationship is to appreciate the other person in the way in which THEY want to be appreciated.
It is to make them feel important and validated in their own unique way.
And in order to do that, you need to first understand what makes them tick, and how they want to be spoken to and the way in which they want to be appreciated.
Want to find out more about how you can rescue your relationships? Try our free online training now on our home page.
And remember, everyone needs to feel appreciated.